Do you lose your cool easily or snap at others before you even realise you're doing it? When faced with a challenging situation or person, we can either react or respond. Which one you do will depend on how you’re looking at the situation. A reaction comes from the part of us that wants to avoid or control something. It comes from a negative mindset. If you’re seeing yourself as powerless, vulnerable and needing to avoid something, you will react. A reaction might be quitting when something goes wrong, speaking to others in a defensive “You’re wrong” kind of way, or becoming emotional and feeling victimised. A reaction happens automatically, it is an impulse to protect ourselves and be right. It's an argument with reality. A response is very different. A response is a deep, grounded expression of what is true for you in that moment. A person who responds might have the same reaction as anyone else, but they wait. They observe the impulse to react and wait. Then they ponder “What is in my best interests? What is really true for me in this situation? What would I love to create?” If our partner speaks rudely to us, we might feel as though they are attacking us and making us feel “wrong”. The harmony of the relationship seems to have been threatened and our initial impulse will be to defend ourselves by speaking rudely back and showing them that we are not wrong, in fact, THEY are. If we speak rudely back to them, although we are acting in defence of ourselves and how we want things to be, we are actually guaranteeing that our peace will be disrupted. So, we can either follow this impulse, or we can stick with what we really want – love and harmony. A similar thing can happen with parenting. When a child behaves in a way that disrupts our plan of how things should be and annoys us, we can either react by angrily chastising the child, or we can pause for a moment and take a breath. In this moment we can get in touch with the feelings that have come up and decide whether to react angrily, or respond in line with how we really want to be. In this moment there’s an opportunity for love and compassion for ourselves and the child to emerge. This is not a matter of repressing our negative feelings and impulses, not at all. We observe the negative reaction within us, accept it as a valid option, and simply choose what we REALLY want. It’s possible to actually express the reaction without reacting. We could say “Oh, I feel a bit annoyed/defensive right now, but what I really want is to be close to you.” You might be surprised at the effect this has on the other person, too – especially children. This, of course, takes practice. Therapy gives us the opportunity to practice this in a safe environment. In time you’ll no longer be at the mercy of other people and situations. It’s about increasing the small window of time between the stimulus and our reaction/response. In this window, there is the opportunity to choose what you’d really love to create in your life.
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Happiness. It’s an interesting one. What stands in the way of it? What do we do when we don’t have it?
We have all been in a situation where we are unhappy with some part of our lives. If you haven’t, you’re either in denial, or you’ve got this life thing down pat and you needn’t read any further – Good day to you! But what are you supposed to do if you’re feeling unhappy, dissatisfied or unfulfilled? Change something, right? Absolutely. The only problem with this, is that we tend to see external factors as holding the keys to our happiness. “I’ll be happy when I have more money/when I have my own home/when I have a better relationship”. Often when we are unhappy, we cover it with booze or drugs or cigarettes or chocolate. When we are aware that we need to make changes, we think that if we exercise more or get a hobby we might feel better. We think we might be happier if we move, change jobs or if we are with a different partner. What do you think is standing in the way of your happiness? Go on, name it. Sure, maybe that jerk at work really is making your life hell, but haven’t you noticed that there’s always someone who isn’t acting the way you need them to? Maybe your job is sucking the life out of you, but will changing companies really give you lasting peace? As a mentor of mine says, changing these external things is about as effective as rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic in order to avoid the iceberg. It’s all futile. It doesn’t help in the long term because the iceberg is your own creation. In my first job as a teacher I became so stressed that I got quite sick. I changed schools and worked less. It felt like a relief for a while, but the same stress began to creep back in. No matter what job I did, I felt anxious that I wasn’t doing it well enough. I eventually learnt that this stress was mine. I realised that I was responsible for it and the only way I was going to change it, was to understand it better. So, I studied it, in therapy and alone – where it started, what thoughts it brought, how it served me and what it cost me. I learnt what beliefs about myself lay below it. I had similar experiences with relationships, friendships and study. A good therapist can guide you in this exploration, quickly revealing the hidden dynamics and helping you understand yourself, which gives you the opportunity to affect real and lasting change. Learning to take responsibility for my life, instead of putting all of the blame (and all of the power) on my circumstances allowed me to find happiness in all areas of my life without changing any of my circumstances. As William Arthur Ward said, “Happiness is an inside job”, so learn to create the life that you want from the inside out. Undoubtedly the most important thing I learnt in my journey as a client was The Work of Byron Katie. I want to share one of her main principles, the concept of staying in your own business. We generally think that anything that has anything to do with us is our business. That’s fine, if we are prepared to live in misery, but if we want to be truly happy and free, we have some work to do. So, there are three kinds of business – your business, other people’s business, and God/the universe’s business. Your business consists of anything YOU do, say, think or feel, anything you are. Other people’s business is anything that THEY do, say, think, feel, are. The future, the past, whether it rains today, and the fact that cats meow and dogs bark is all God’s business. Pretty straightforward, right? They key is to ONLY concern yourself with your own business. What someone else thinks of you is none of your business. What someone else says about you is THEIR business. What someone else does to you is none of your business. I know, it seems wrong. I can hear you saying “But they’re doing it TO ME – so it is my business!”. No. It’s not. What someone else is doing is out of your control and to try to control it is not only futile, but it’s also the greatest cause of unhappiness. You see, anytime we suffer, we are in someone else’s business. If you are completely in your own business, only worrying about what you are doing, saying, thinking, feeling and what kind of person you are, it is impossible to be unhappy. All suffering is born of trying to control things that are not our own business. When we try to control what happens in the future we feel anxious. When we dwell on the past and wish things were different, we become depressed. When we want others to change we are engaging in a struggle that we can’t ever truly win. So, let’s do an experiment. Do the first part, before reading part two. Part One: Think about a person or situation that really bothers you, really get yourself into the issue. Find where this lives in your body (maybe a tightness in your chest, a sick feeling in your stomach, a headache, a weight on you etc). Really experience this sensation. Imagine that you’re experiencing this feeling because a piece of you has been ripped out and has gone over to that other person or situation to try to resolve it. It is unpleasant, right? Part Two: Now imagine that this piece of you, that has gone out there, is attached to a tiny thread, which you can start to pull on, gently drawing it back to you. This piece of you floats back through time and space and comes home, fitting back in like a perfect jigsaw piece. Notice how you feel. More whole, right? Peaceful? This is what it feels like to be in your own business. This is what it feels like to choose to stop suffering. Now, I know this is an uncomfortable concept. I’m certainly not claiming that other ways of being are wrong – they’re natural reactions. This is merely an alternative to feeling as though others are the cause of our suffering. Staying in your own business takes determination and practice. Luckily, life gives us plenty of opportunities to practice this. So next time you’re stressed, annoyed, disappointed or upset ask yourself “Whose business am I in?” Come and see me to experience this work fully, in relation to your own struggles. It’s liberating. I’ll include some links in the comments. I’d love to hear about your experience of this, good or bad, and if you have questions, ask them below! People talk a lot about presence. “I should be more present”, “You’re never present” – but what does it actually mean? How do you know when you are present? How do you “get” present? Our minds are wonderful things. They solve problems, help us operate in the world and most importantly, they keep us safe. Like anything in life, you can have too much of a good thing. Our lives are now faster-paced and busier than they’ve ever been in human history. Our minds can get over stimulated by our environment and become unbalanced. The way we relate to our world changes, eventually leading to anxiety and depression. My beautiful teacher tells me “You mind your mind, don’t’ let your mind mind you.” Anxiety and depression are complex topics, but they are products of our unminded minds. Neither can exist in the present moment – they live in the past and the future. To be clear, I'm not insinuating that people who suffer these dis-eases are at fault, I'm saying that relief lies in presence. Emotions like regret, sadness, worry and fear come when we are comparing the current moment with a past, future, or alternative moment. Our mind is always striving to make things better, more pleasant, happier and safer, and thus, we miss what is actually happening right now. So, presence. I often hear people associate presence with relaxing and giving something their full attention, but presence is more than just concentrating on something. Presence can be described as moment-by-moment awareness of your experience, without judgement. For example, I have been concentrating at my computer for a while now, but I would not say that I am present – I am merely focused on what I’m writing. I can bring myself into presence with some simple mindfulness techniques - basically just noticing what is. I'm noticing how it feels to press the keys with my fingers, the temperature of the air on my skin, the taste in my mouth, the sensation of my breath as it enters and leaves. If I judge my experience (“it’s cold and I want it to be warm”), I am immediately out of presence (and in hell). We suffer when we reject what is happening now, rather than simply experiencing it. In the present moment, there is no suffering. There is only what is. Try it. Start by noticing what it feels like to breathe… Now notice where your body ends and the world begins – where your skin touches your clothes, furniture, the air... Notice any sounds you can hear - just hear them without any story… Notice any shapes you can see… Notice any colours you see. Now notice sounds, shapes and colours all at once…stay with the present as long as you can. What did that feel like? In that small moment before your mind kicked back into gear to remind you to make that phone call or pick up some bread on your way home, you were present. You can probably see why we rarely do this. Mindfulness takes effort and concentration and our minds tell us that there are other things that need to be attended to first. The truth is that when we are in a state of presence, we are bringing our body back to homeostasis – our natural resting state. The more time we can spend in this state, the better our nervous system copes with our busy lifestyles. This is why mindfulness and meditation are so good for us. They take our attention inward, to our present moment experience and rest our nervous systems. We can also use mindfulness to bring presence into our relationships. Remember when you were first dating someone and you held eye contact for a few seconds? It was like the world stopped. As time goes on, we get used to being with one another and in a way, we stop really BEING WITH one another. So, an exercise. Sit opposite your partner or friend or any willing participant. It can feel difficult to ask someone to do something like this, but be brave and take a risk! Set a one or two minute timer on your phone, and focus your gaze on his/her left eye (and they, yours). Don’t talk, just breathe, state into their eye and notice your experience. This can feel quite confronting and you might find yourself fidgeting, laughing or looking away, but just continue to bring your attention back to their left eye and your breathing. Notice how it feels to be present with them. It is impossible to access the past or the future when you are connected to someone in this way. If you want to feel annoyed that he hasn’t helped around the house lately, you’ll have to look away to retrieve that memory. In this moment, there is just you and the other in the present, no past, no future. So aim to start practising mindfulness, spending just a few minutes in presence each day. Lose your mind and come to your senses. Pay close attention to the water on your skin in the shower, notice the texture, taste and temperature of the food in your mouth as you eat, notice your body relaxing and your breathing slowing as you prepare to sleep at night. I’d love to hear your questions, successes and struggles as you try it out. If you want to learn more about mindfulness, check out coolkarmacolkected.com For help getting started with meditation, download the One Giant Mind app. Ever wondered how you became the person you are? It was no accident. We are not born with our personalities. We are born with all of the characteristics of every human that has ever lived. Looking into a newborn’s eyes, it is easy to see that they are a little being of pure potential. They could become anything, right? It’s true. We all begin this way, but as we experience the world, we develop in response. Some characteristics fade and others are nurtured and come to the fore of who we are in relation to our environment. As we become toddlers, we receive messages from our parents and siblings about which behaviors are desirable. We are rewarded for some actions, while some things we do generate an unpleasant reaction. We begin to hear the word ‘no’, and this is so unpleasant that we change ourselves in order not to experience it again. Usually our parents are keeping us safe – in fact they are always trying to. Most often they’re preventing us from hurting ourselves physically. I got a fright when Mum saw me touch the power point – I won’t do that again. Dad withdrew when I was screaming – I’ll try not to. At other times, they’re preventing us from doing something that is deemed inappropriate, inconvenient, embarrassing, annoying or rude. Our parents don’t want us to be rejected (and they don’t want to be rejected for our behavior), so they teach us how to be more acceptable. We are clever and creative little creatures and when we receive this negative feedback, we change. All of these experiences are important in terms of developing into someone who can relate to others and their world in a healthy way, but there is often collateral damage. We are not skilled surgeons, particularly when we are small, and in this process, we remove the entire “wrong” parts of ourselves and hide them away from the world – even from ourselves. As we continue to develop, our behaviors get some fine-tuning. “Stop showing off” tells me that a behavior that I thought was great, is actually not ok, and is going to result in rejection. So, I take that flamboyant, expressive part of myself and tuck it away, so it’s not visible. But when it comes time for that presentation at work, the part of me that loves to openly express myself is nowhere to be found and I’m left shaking with nerves. And no, it’s not solely the fault of our parents. As we reach school, our teachers let us know which parts they find unacceptable – the part of us that doesn’t colour within the lines, the part that disagrees and speaks out, the part that daydreams, the part that wants to kiss the girls. As teenagers our peers have their say, and the part of us that loves ribbons in our hair, studying insects or playing the flute needs to be disowned in favour of cooler, more acceptable pursuits. When we enter the professional world and relationships, the same thing happens and we disown yet more parts of ourselves. So here we are. We have thrown the baby out with each lot of bathwater and have ended up as mere slivers of the “whole” we were born as. Pretty depressing, huh? Not at all. You see, these elements are still within you. You are still carrying them, and they’re there, waiting to see the light of day again. The first step is to realise which parts you have disowned. As a personal example, an easy indication is a thought like “I don’t have a creative bone in my body”. This belief about myself is the result of a lesson I learnt along the way. As a child, when my colouring and drawing didn’t look as pretty as everyone else’s and I was criticised, it was unpleasant, so I stopped trying in order to avoid the criticism. I am now learning that if I am free of worry about what the end result will look like, I can create all kinds of things. Therapy is a wonderful way in which to explore and re-integrate these disowned parts of ourselves, bringing them back into our personality and giving us more skills and passions to choose from. Learning to accept all parts of yourself is imperative for health and happiness, and, in turn, for the health and happiness of your children. Could Tinder be good for you? Five reasons to get on it right now.
There's been a lot of discussion about the pitfalls of Tinder, and while at times I have wondered whether it's for me, I've discovered are some hidden benefits to this dating merry-go-round. 1. Real men like to keep us safe. Firstly, if you are considering joining this app, or any dating site, you should feel that you are completely in control of your own experience. You call the shots. When your gut says no, you say no. The vast majority of men are very aware that we women need to feel safe. They don't take it personally when you say you need to get to know them better before meeting, or that you’re not comfortable meeting them at night, or that you prefer not to meet up with them when they're with friends. If anything, your care for your own safety and comfort only increases their care for your safety and comfort. 2. Everybody’s doing it. When I first signed up, I felt embarrassed. Internet dating is for lonely losers who can't get a date, right? I soon realised that the only people who weren’t on there, were me and about three others who were worried about who might see them and what they’d think. Get over it. Nobody cares, and if you care, then you’re letting other people’s opinions run your life. 3. You’ll build confidence. I think sometimes we imagine that we are the only one who finds dating hard. You’re not alone. Take it slowly. You don’t have to do a lot of swiping – this can get overwhelming. And you don’t have to say yes to any dates. Just tell them you’re not up for it yet, that you’re still getting used to Tinder. I was so nervous before the first few dates I arranged that I cancelled them. Eventually I clicked with someone enough to feel like I would be missing out if I didn’t go. With each proceeding date, I felt more relaxed and able to be myself. 4. You’ll get asked out more in real life. Seriously. As soon as I joined Tinder I was approached more. Guys that you already kind of know (from yoga, the gym, cafes, through friends etc) suddenly realise you are single and will feel confident enough to ask you out. But you’ll also be approached by new men. Being on Tinder is like announcing that you are available and guys sense that energy. If you don’t want to announce that you’re single, refer to the last two sentences of number 2. 5. You’ll learn about yourself and what you want. Dating is free therapy. When you sit with your therapist you are in a unique relationship in which you are invited to examine your thoughts, feelings and body sensations in relation to, and in the presence of another. You could do this alone, but having a therapist there to witness and receive you deepens the experience. I began to see similar benefits in the dynamic of a date. Sitting opposite a complete stranger whom I may or may not be interested in, whom may or may not be interested in me, elicits some pretty strong feelings, usually a lot of nervousness. Instead of trying to make these feelings disappear, I started experimenting with them. I began by just saying to my date "I'm feeling nervous." Invariably my date visibly relaxed as he admitted feeling the same, and we then had a shared experience from which to start. I then started paying attention to the more subtle feelings and dynamics that were at play. I noticed that I behaved differently with different men, how I shut down in the presence of some and put on a comedy show for others, how I could barely make eye contact with one guy and wanted another to hold my hand. I saw men move towards me and pull away, and noticed how I felt in response. I noticed that I was my complete, uncensored self with some men, and a weird distorted version with others. I felt myself deliberately disagreeing with some guys, and subtly bending my beliefs to suit others. All of these observations gave me great information. What kind of guy do I feel good with? Who am I myself around? What was it about him that was drawing me in or repelling me? What was it about me that he seemed so interested in? Did he actually see the real me, or just the vague outline of 'wife material' that he's searching for? What messages are hidden (or blatantly obvious) in what he is telling me? Where does my mind go when I'm with him - to the future? To someone else? To what I'm doing tomorrow? Or am I able to be present? Paying attention like this takes some practice, but you don't have to be a therapist to give yourself some therapy! Through this process I've formed a really strong and clear idea about what I want in a partner, and I know how I'll feel when I find him. Thanks to all of the lovely men I've met, I know I’ll recognise the one who is ‘the one’ for me. So take this opportunity to get to know yourself and what you want. Use Tinder to deepen your personal development and your social skills, and maybe even meet someone great. Pass this on to your single friends - of course, not to help them rectify the shameful state of being single, but to help them have a great experience and use Tinder to their advantage. Or tell us about your Tinder experience, good or bad. This post is in no way associated with Tinder, other than that it is all about Tinder. Ever wondered why it's hard to find good friends as an adult?
We have all heard it said that you'll never form friendships as strong and enduring as those you made growing up, but why is this so? Here's my theory. Growing up is difficult. Even if, like me, you had it pretty good, being a teenager was hard work. At high school, we were growing and changing, disembedding from our families, and most likely dealing with some form of anxiety, depression, bullying or conflict daily. Although friendships could sometimes be the cause of this angst, they were also our safe haven. These friends were our comrades in arms as we battled through each day. This might sound dramatic - high school wasn't that bad, right? I agree, I loved my high school, my teachers and my friends, but being a teenager is inherently tough, and it is this shared experience that forms the fertile ground for a rich and lasting friendship. The other part of this is that we established the boundaries of our friendships at a time when we were all establishing all kinds of boundaries. We argued as teenagers, when arguing was something we accepted as a matter of course. It may have shaken us, but everything was pretty shaky back then. I recently had a disagreement with a "new" friend. I was aghast "I haven't fallen out with anyone since high school!" I had seen a new side of her and it shocked me. I'm sure she would say the same about me. We had crossed one another's boundaries and there wasn't enough shared history and trust for the friendship to survive it. Some of my dearest and most trusted friends are people that I might not click with if I met them today. But I KNOW them. Twenty years since we met, I know that I can trust one friend to always be late. I can trust one to always cancel. I can trust one to hold a grudge. I can trust one to speak harsh truths that hurt me. I have long since accepted these traits, so I can always let them go easily. I can also trust all of them to meet me in my darkest moments and not shy away when I'm at my most vulnerable. On a recent night out, four of five of us had cried within an hour. Being together and feeling supported, brought all that we had been holding in in our busy lives flooding out. Maybe sometimes we expect our new friends to be as reliable as our old ones, and maybe, in time, they will be. With my oldest friends, there's no side of them that I haven't seen. Even as we grow and change, we are still deeply known by one another. They have seen me at my most insecure and horrible and they are still here. That's a love and acceptance like no other. We'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Are you best friends your oldest friends, or have you forged new and strong friendships? Comment below. How many times a day do you put yourself down? "I'm not strong enough, kind enough, thin enough, rich enough, patient enough, organised enough". You might be surprised. Even the most normal of thoughts can have a subtle undertone of insufficiency.
See if you can catch yourself in these moments and feel what it's like to be not enough. Really soak it in. What happens in your body when you have this thought? It's unpleasant, but it's important to experience it. See what it's doing to you? Then find a piece of evidence that proves otherwise (like how you organise yourself and others to get to work/school every day), and affirm yourself with the mantra "I am enough. I am enough. I AM ENOUGH". Your partner is listening. Your children are listening. Your body is listening. Be mindful of the messages you're sending. Notice them, experience their impact and give yourself space to heal and change. Feel free to share your experiences and ask any questions below. |
AuthorLaura is a Gestalt counsellor and psychotherapist in Melbourne's inner North. Archives
September 2018
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